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| Photo by Hassan Saleh on Unsplash |
I know, a really easy topic for a first blog post. But this is a question that has been eating at me lately. To listen to the voices around me, God is so many conflicting things: God is a Judge, full of wrath! God is love and compassion, accepting of who you are no matter who that may be. There is no God, just an energy that binds us all together - a collective consciousness. God is a grandmother waiting anxiously for her children to visit. God is disinterested, the world was wound up and left to run its course. God is Father. God is Mother. God is MALE! God is the feminine divine. God is White. God is formless. God is so high above our understanding we shouldn’t even try to understand. God is in all of us. God is in heaven. Please, someone stop me because this whole blog post could turn into listing the various things I have heard God called by people - I haven’t even included the many, sometimes quite strange, things God is called in the Bible.
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| Photo by Lukas Budimaier on Unsplash |
I used to think I knew who God was. I had a clear picture, I understood. After all, I went to youth group. God was a Father who cared a great deal about my sex life - namely, not having one until after I (inevitably) married. God was a Great Creator who had laid out my path for me - but not to worry! I had free will, too. I grew up and continued to attend church. I attended Bible studies and prayer groups. I even led a few. My view of God came further into focus: God was incredibly personal, waiting in an easy chair-like throne to scoop me up. A Physician ready to heal any and all maladies if I just have enough faith.
But then I did this crazy thing: I moved across the country. Twice. I have met so many people who live so differently, both religious and non-religious, and all my views have been challenged. I have met Christians who support movements and live lifestyles that would scandalize the conservative communities I grew up in. I have met non-Christians who looked more like Christ than countless Christians I have known. I’ve read books and blogs written by both conservative and progressive Christians. I have experienced different forms of worship ranging from liturgical “high church” to basically a crazy dance party. My dad suddenly presented an autoimmune disease (a nasty, muscle wasting thing called Polymiositis) and almost died in a matter of months. In the midst of Dad's struggle with what seemed to be certain death, I gave birth to my first child - a beautiful, burst of light boy. I have realized that now I see dimly. I have realized that I do not know how to reconcile my many images of God and many examples of living a Christian Life.
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| Photo by Thomas Millot on Unsplash |
I can continue to sit and wonder vaguely who God is or I can knock until the door is opened. My goal through this blog is to spend time with the questions that have been fueling my...what shall I call it? Faith crisis, I suppose. Fueling my Faith Crisis for the past few years. (Yes, years.) I intend to finally be fully open about my doubts. This is terrifying for me - I hate potential conflict, it makes me curl up and die inside so I have been mostly keeping this journey to myself. As a result I have made little progress, instead sitting by the side of the road waiting for my feet to work again.
I will be reading through the writings of those who have walked this path ahead of me and I will be reading through the Gospels (a thing I realized I haven't done before). I am open to suggestions of things to read, things to watch or listen to, and practices to try. I hope to enter into a (civil) dialogue with others who may have found answers or who, like me, are questioning - doubting things they have been told to accept as unshakable truths. I will share my questions, how these questions have come into sharp focus now that I’m a mother, and the occasional recipe because those are unquestionable. And who doesn’t like something tangible and tasty every once in awhile?
If you read this post because you are in a faith crisis and are reaching for a branch in the rapids that threaten to sweep you under then welcome. I am reaching for a branch, too. Maybe we can help each other stay afloat in the meantime.
